Raccoon Rascals
by Ramza Lateralus
Summary: A parody FanFiction of Resident Evil 2 and 3 with original characters.


CHAPTER 1 - Horrible Night For A Curse

1998... First day on the force at the newly established branch at the Raccoon City Police Department (or RPD for those who love acronyms so much... Pussies.) and I was anxiously awaiting to arrive with gaining some new friends.

It was a Tuesday... I woke up and had myself a fresh cup of coffee to start my day. I don't really like coffee. And I don't recall buying any either. Perhaps it was left over diarhhea from the party the night before. We sorta got out of hand. We had a lot of drinks. None of the drinks were coffee. They were booze like drinks. They were boozed coffee. It's also partially responsible for why I'm driving to this damn city at night.

It's dark out. The moon is out. Making the dark, not so dark. Because it's night. And it's typically dark out. It's 8:56 PM. And 34 seconds. And 423 milliseconds. And also 531 nanoseconds. Or so my clock says. I never trusted it anyways. The tricky bastard. But because of the time. One would assume it is night. Or possibly really dark morning. I dunno. I have no idea what time it is.

I pull up to the gas station and take a look around. I look in the window with my eagle eyes and I spot a name tag on the arab clerk. It reads Hafeez. It's quite a gay name. I think I'll call him H-Fuzz for good luck. I make sure that I am not in his line of vision as I fuel up my police car, that was conviently sent to my house a few towns away. Along with my current uniform. Badass, homes, badass. Apparently as I was fueling up my car, I heard arab-like screams coming from the store... I paid no mind. I didn't give a rat's ass. So I just got back into my car and started it back up and started to drive away. So long, H-Fuzz. Till we never meet again so I may get my free fuel.

I take my sweet ass time as I finally turn off the highway into the city. I take my time to admire the rows of porn shops as my heart fills with love and admiration. I make a turn to the right, bidding farewell to the haven and continue my trek to finding the parking lot for the police station.

I'm not even 5 minutes into the city and all of a sudden I spot a retarded civilian trudging in the middle of the road. What the fuck was he thinking? Like I'm just going to move out of the way so he can continue his trudge to trudgeness? Fuck. No. As I squint my eyes, I ease my foot onto the gas, and then I floor it. The man refuses to move still. My teeth grit as the satisfying thud is heard as the man flips over my windshield and flies above my car, and then slams onto the ground.

I feel I had to stick my head out the window, while taking a look at the man writhe in pain on the ground as I called out to him: "TAKE THAT ONE YOU ASSCLOWN." I closed my eyes, faced forward, and started to laugh my ass off, refusing to take my foot off the pedal. I then relaxed a little and opened my eyes slowly, noticing a convienently placed brick wall. My eyes grew wide as I gripped the steering wheel, pulled the siren off and yelled over the radio: "Excuse me, brick wall. You are obscuring my path to the RPD. Please remove your hostilities by evading my car. Thank you." Regardless. It did not listen as my car started to go faster. I slammed my foot on the brakes. It wouldn't save me now. My car crashed right into the brick wall... The car erupted in a firey explosion... All that could be heard was the crackling of the fire, and the crashing of metal slamming into the ground.

CHAPTER 2 - Fire Is REALLY Hot

Three days have passed since the crash. Or. So that fucking clock says. I look at the clock in the car as it reads: "THREE DAYS LATER, FAGBAT." and I shake my head. Maybe I should get out of the car. The fire is kinda hot. It stings a little, but I'm fine. Besides. I've gotten shocking news that zombies have overran the city. If I stay in fire. They won't come because fire will hurt them a lot. Great plan, eh? But regardless of whether or not they want to come to me, it's my happiness in the fire that'll repel them.

"Hmm... This fire is REALLY hot. I think I'm going to get out of my car now." I pretend to open the door, for the door has fallen off during the explosion. I take out my handgun and I look around cautiously. It's daytime, so it should be easy to see prey. Apparently, I still look normal for the fire did not singe me, even during that bigass explosion. I fucking LOVE these story mechanics, man. Oh. And breaking the fourth wall. That fucking rocks too.

A little zombie girl with one arm and her neck torn wide open makes her way towards me. I aim my gun at her, and she pauses while she spells something on the pavement with chalk. "P-L-A-Y W-I-T-H M-E, it says..." I pause and I look at the girl for a second and then my gun. I then look at her and I do a roundhouse kick in her FACE knocking her head clean off as a fountain of blood sprays all over me. "..." I wipe myself off for a second then I kick the girls body. "Whadda I look like? A friggen necropedophile?"

I shake my head and I look at the brick wall I've crashed into. I must defeat this wall if I have any hopes of getting onto the other side. Or, at least I think there's an other side. Fuck. That's a BIG wall. Where the fuck did this wall come from? Who the fuck would build a wall like this? WHAT THE FUCK? Well. I think I'll scale it anyways.

I magically pulled out a bat grapple from my ass and aimed to the top of the structure, firing off the bat grapple. Little did I know that the gun itself would fly up into the air, instead of the grapple. Damn that was anti-climactic. Regardless, I try the old fashion way of pulling out some rope and chisels and start to scale the side of the brick wall. Not 10 meters up and I hear a voice.

"Hey! You! Blue boy! Are you a zombie?" The man places his hand over his forehead and looked up. I looked down at him to meet him. "Cause. If you are. I'm gonna have to kill you." I laughed and shook my head.

"Whatever buddy. I'm getting over this damn brick wall, and you or any real zombies are not gonna stop me from getting to the other side. Like a fucking chicken crossing the road. I will triumph!" The man shook his head and walked AROUND the tall structure. 5 minutes pass again as I get to the top. "I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING KING OF THE WORLD!" I hold my hands up high in a fit of joy as I look down. Sure enough... I was being taunted.

"Man. You are sooooo stupid. I should kick your ass when you get down here." He looks at me with a fire in his eyes. Much like that little girl who wanted me to do her... If she had eyes. I shrugged off his promise to kick my ass and jumped down. I slipped in mid air and came crashing down. Luckly, my neck broke my fall. I got up and looked at the man again. Though I couldn't see him that well because my head was at a 62 degree angle to the left, when standing straight up.

The man, not hostile anymore extends his hand. I try to extend my hand as well... But I still couldn't see, so I ended up extending my erection towards him to shake. He quickly retracted his hand and hid it behind his back and coughed. "Zephyr." He responded to me.

"Jay." I responded back.

"We should find a way to escape this city." He explained to me.

"Why not use the highway?" I suggested.

"Because. That's the pussy's way out." He explained.

"You're a pussy." I said to him.

"You're a gaylord." He quipped back.

"...I lose." I gave in as he delivered a kick to my neck, snapping it back into place as my head was in its original form.

CHAPTER 3 - A.D.I.D.A.S.

I was lucky enough to find another 'survivor' in this run down shack of a city. It was enough to piss me off knowing that I have to protect the undead. You know what? Fuck the undead. Not literally. Kinda nasty. And it's frowned upon here in the country, kinda sad it's not illegal. But why the hell am I talking to you about this? You probably don't give two shits.

Moving on... I met up with Zephyr in his Delorean. Great. Another car that can catch fire if it goes fast enough to tear a hole in time. But it was nice of him to pick me up and give me a ride to the Raccoon Police Department. It was about a five minute trip so he decided to pop in a classic tune from 1996 (2 years ago), titled "Adidas". Kinda silly to name a song after sports gear. But... Little did I know. We weren't dreaming about sports... Yea, with the zombies in tow in this town, I'll always be pimp that I see with them.

I hold my arm alongside the window as the wind tickles my cheek and my arm... But the wind was noiseless as Zephyr and myself began to sing aloud. "ALLLLLLLLLLL DAY, I DREAM ABOOOOOOOOOOOOOUT SEX. ALLLLLLLLLLL DAY, I DREAM ABOOOOOOOOOOOOOUT FUUUUUUUUUUUCKIN'." We started to bob our heads to the side over and over again like a bad rendition of the Roxbury boys, and continue singing. "And all day, I dream about sex, and some day I dream I sex and all day I dream about sex, yet some day I dream about sex. ALLLLLL DAY, I DREAM ABOUT SEX. ALLLLLL DAY, I DREAM ABO- Oh fucking CHRIST."

Zephyr turned to me. "You fuck Christ? What a loser..." He then turns to see what I saw as his eyes grow wide and he slams on the breaks, sorta like myself when I slammed into that fucking wall. But unlike me, he made a safe stop, as I fly out of my seat and slam into the windshield. I'm a fucking cop, yet I forget to put my seatbelt on. What a gimp, I am.

We both exit the car, as I withdraw my handgun and grip both hands on the handle aiming at the man we almost hit. "Freeze!" The man looks up at me and then raises his hands crying out to us.

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not one of them! Don't fucking shoot me. That'll hurt! Please, don't fucking shoot me." The man was frantic. I had no choice but to lower my weapon and shake my head.

"Sir... I. DON'T. KNOW. YOUR. FUCKING NAME. SO. WHAT? LET'S. FUCK." I sung as Zephyr turn towards me with wide eyes.

"Dude. TWO things... ONE. The song was over about a minute ago. TWO. You don't SAY that to a MAN. Regardless if he's a manwhore or not. You need to at least have a proper introduction and a big box of condoms before you do anything." Zephyr explained to me to the best of his ability.

The man looked at us with an ounce of confusion drifting over his mind. I couldn't help it. I only listened to that song about 2 times, and I've fallen in love with it. I need to make as many references as I can with that song now. Because hey. I'm a man. And I need sex to fuel my engines. He coughed and interupted our mini-debate about fucking and gayness. "I'm Harem. A member of the RPD."

The mere mention of the RPD snapped into my mind as I looked at him again. Sure enough. He was wearing one of the SPF uniforms, like I was. Mine was more of a light blue, while his was a DARK DARK blue... I gave him a friendly nod, as I turned back to Zephyr. "We should probably take him along. No telling how useful he might be to use if we need to throw him aside as zombie chow." I grinned, as a frightful face appeared on Harem. "Or maybe not." The face went away.

Zephyr opened the back of his car. "I think we might need to carry more protection that what we currently own." He explained to use. "Here. Wear these and we should be immune to the zombies, and the infection." I took the large case, and handed one of them to Harem as we opened up the plastic and put on my new suit over my old one. It was pretty good because it covered just about my entire body, which is a must if I don't want to be infected.

We all tossed the packages away, and began our trek without the car a half a mile to the RPD precint. About 10 minutes have passed as we peeked around a corner as our latex induced condom bodies saw no sigh of any zombies as we made our quick dash to the doors. All that could be seen were three rather large condoms, running through the alleyway to the RPD.

As soon as we were about to walk up the stairs, we decided to remove the suits for we probably would not need them anymore when we enter inside the building. Hopefully. I grinned and placed a hand on the handle of the door and began to turn it. Behind the three of us. A huge thud was heard as if something fell from the sky. Fucking cliffhanger.

CHAPTER 4 - Kkkuuuuuuurrr!

In an instant all of us turned our heads to see what was the matter. And with that instance we say it. A girl has just fallen out of the sky. But not just any girl. This girl was HOOOOOOOT. Such smooth skin, a tight skinsuit and a vest... The kind of girl you'd go up to and ask if you may have this dance. The type of girl to give you a bo--

"Dude. You have a chipmunk crawling around in your pants or something." Harem blurts out.

"DON'T FUCKING INTERUPT ME WHILE I MONOLOUGE TO THE READER." I screamed at him as I held my crotch.

"Reader? What the fuck are you on man?" Zephyr looked at me and shook his head. "I think you've been infected by the virus. I guess we have to kill you now." I stared at him for a second.

"...At least I won't have to deal with you fuckasses right now. Of course, if you killed me 10 minutes earlier I would have been in Heaven with that majestic angel over there." I grinned and pointed towards the girl. The guys just shake thier heads and walk over to the girl.

"Yo. Girl." Harem taps her with his foot and calls again. "YO. GIRL. ARE YOU ALRIGHT? DID THAT HURT?" Harem looks to Zephyr, as the girl opens her eyes and looks up at him, spazzing out a little and jumps up.

"Oh, dear! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to crash here." Her eyes begin to water up as I shake my head, walking down in front of her.

"Are you alright though? Do you NEED medical attention? Because by the looks of it. So does 98 of the population of this city." I responded to her. She was frantic. Complete out of it. What was I to do? I just got here, and already all sorts of crazy shit started to happen. "Here. Let's get inside the department. We can discuss things over in there." I shrug as I walk back up there and open up the door, as we all enter inside. I hold out my handgun along with Harem, as I look around.

"Everything seems a-ok here." Harem smiles and looks at me.

"A-OK? You sound like such a schmo sometimes." I responded at him. I motioned my hand to show that it was alright for the girl and Zephyr to come in as I looked at the girl again. "You never did give a name yet. I'm Jay." I pointed to Zephyr: "Fuckhead." And then I pointed to Harem. "Boner-face."

The girl looked a bit melancholy, but bowed her head to the both of them. "It's nice to meet you." She looks at Zephyr first. "Fuckhead..." Then Harem. "Boner-face." Then me. "Jay." She then smiled feeling a bit better. "Dragon Sniper is mine. Or DS is fine by me." She did a schoolgirl type cheer and I just sorta stared. Maaaaaaaaan was I gonna GET some tonight. Especially if I make it out of here alive.

"Well then, Dragon Sniper. You and fuckhead should head to the armory department of the station and gear up." I looked to Zephyr. "You take care of her, or I gut you." I frowned at him as he scoffed and walked off.

"Come on Dragon Sniper..." He commanded, as Harem leads them to the armory. "Oh. Wait. Jay. Here's a walkie talkie to contact the three of us if something comes up. We'll be back as soon as possible." He handed me a small devices as I placed it on my belt sash, and I watched them leave the area as I walked around the lobby, alone.

5 minutes have passed as I decided to take out the walkie talkie and try it out. I checked the frequency and and I clicked it and spoke into it. "Hello?" Static goes off and I frown. "Guess it's busted."

Instantly after I said that a girl's voice appeared. "Do you want to save, Snake?" And a menu appeared under me saying SAVE and DO NOT SAVE.

"HUH? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? NO I DON'T WANT TO SAVE. WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?" I yelled, but forgot to click the button... Dammit, so I clicked it and repeated the above for the sake of not saying it again because I don't want to hurt any little kids ears with my violent language.

"Snake? You sound different. It's me, Mei Ling."

Now this was getting REALLY retarded. "Alright Mei Ling. Fuck off." I changed the frequency and finally found the channel to contact the other three. "Kuuuuuuur. Hello? Anyone read me? Kuuuur."

At the armory, Zephyr checked his pocket and clicked the button. "Jay?"

I get the message relayed back to me as I respond back. "Kuuuuur. Zephyr? That you? Hey. It's Jay. Wondering how you're doing. Kuuuuuur." I grinned knowing it worked.

"Uh. We're doing alright Jay... Um... Any problems?"

I looked around and then spoke back into it. "Kuuuuur, no problems here. I'll just wait here for you guys to return. Kuuuuuur."

Zephyr slapped himself in the forehead and shook his head. "Well... Then don't call us."

I shrugged and gave the finger to the walkie talkie in hopes of insulting Zephyr, though the message wasn't sent successfully. Bummer. "Kuuur. Alright, then... Kuuuuuur."

Zephyr shakes his head again. "Oh. And Jay?"

I spoke back into the walkie talkie. "Kuuuuuur. Yea? Kuuuur."

Zephyr responded quickly. "They make the static sounds for you dumbass. Stop going: "KUUUUR". Alright?"

I rolled my eyes. "Kuuuuuur. Got it. Thanks. Kuuuur." I paused. "Kuuur. Dammit... KUUUR. I mean, NOT KUUUUUR. FUCK."

CHAPTER 5 - Breaking Out the Big Guns

Sitting at the main desk in front of the computer, I lay back in the chair. I shift my eyes onto the computer screen and wondered what could be on it. I rolled over to in front of the computer, and I squinted my eyes, taking control of the mouse and resting my fingers on the keyboard. "What's this...?"

URLhttp/img230.imageshack.us/img230/6522/computerscreen6cd.pngLINK ATTATCHMENT/URL

For reference to what I have seen... It seems that there is a psychic of some sort working on this newsletter. It's strange. How did someone come to get thier hands on what's going on. Maybe if I scroll down, I'll figure out what will happen to us next.

About a half a page has been scrolled down as I see the horrible sight of something known only to the online community known as "TUBGIRL". The sight of this caused me to jump from my seat and hide under a desk, far away from the previous one. That is something NO man should have to see. And with that.

That is the picture where boners... Go to die.

A few minutes have passed as I hear an automatic door open up. "Great... Zombies probably got in here..." I withdrew my handgun and held facing up against my cheek. My heart started to beat faster as I gripped the handle tightly and then did a spin around out from under the desk holding up my handgun at what was approaching.

CLINK.

About half my arm was engulfed in the barrel of a gernade launcher as I look up to see Zephyr. "...What. The. Hell? How come they have fuggin' gernade launchers and I get a fuggin' handgun?"

Harem inturpts me with holding up his and the Dragon Sniper's weapons. "And RPGs, Shotguns, and dual magnums, man!" My jaw dropped. I have a 9mm handgun and a knife. What do they have? Weapons of Undeniable Destruction.

"Hey... Harem... Um... You think I could have one of those shotguns?" I felt really bad that I didn't go to get my own weapons... It sucked. I wanted something to KILL. But all was not lost...

"I picked up extra supplies don't worry." Harem just lifted my spirits. Maybe I wasn't an unlucky rookie so far. "Let me just lay these down. Hold on." All the weapons were layed down onto the ground along with its accompanying ammo supply. I reviewed them over carefully. "Alright guys! Pick what you want!" That was my call.

"I'll take the Gernade Launcher, since it seems so very attracted to me, along with a handgun, in case." Zephyr claimed.

"Allow me to have one of these magnums, and a shotgun." Dragon Sniper smiled.

"I'll take a magnum as well, and this RPG. And I already have my standard knife and handgun, so I'm set." Harem called.

What was I to take? It seems that they took all the good stuff... Until Harem presented me with a completely black gun. "Here. This is a .50 calibur Custom Desert Eagle. It's a magnum capable of blowing off a brick wall." Great. That could have HELPED earlier... "This type of weapon is legal in only 2 states. And this ain't one of them."

My eyes widened. HOLY. SHIT. I've got a weapon strong enough to be illegal in most states. RAD! I held it up and spun it around a little and then placed it on my belt sash. It sure is a nice welcoming present to the force... But. Where were all the other members of the station? Surely there still has to be some survivors around here...

Or maybe that decaying smell is just thier way of covering up that they're alive... Hm...

CHAPTER 6 - Super Groovy Tune Sex Magicke

I use my gun on a barred up door, blowing it clean off its hindges. I motioned my hand for the other three to make thier move as we hurry ourselves down the corridor. I was a bit uneasy about the others following me, but I'm sure we'll get used to it.

I don't really understand why they decided to go ahead and send me to work here when they CLEARLY knew that this city was infected with something. Whatever like I give a damn, right now. Right now, I want to ditch these loser fucks, except for Dragon Sniper(because I know me and her will bone ALL NIGHT LONG).

We get our way to the end of the hallway as I call for Harem to tap on the door softly... He done so, and then he kicked the door clean open as we saw 5 zombie officers. "SUNAVA BITCH. Jay! Aim for thier heads! Now!"

I looked over to him. "What? And waste ammo from this baby? FUCK THAT. I will END THEM. I will PUNCH them in the DICK and I will KICK them in the SPLEEN!" I put my gun away and I was about to make my move when Zephyr interupted.

"You dumbass... They're all FEMALE." He retorted as I looked at him. "...But that has never stopped you, now has it, Jay?" I smiled and proceeded to unleash Zombie-Fu on thier cracka asses. "Whoa... Jay really knows his way around the zombie anotomy..." Zephyr smiles and holds up his gernade launcher. "Now if he'd excuse me..." Regarldess of I didn't move or not, he let three acid rounds RIP through the air and slapped all of us, burning us up.

Instantly, I caught fire and started to run around in circles before Harem took the time to trip me, while ordering Dragon Sniper to stomp out the fire on me. I continued to panic as I got my face slammed into the ground of the locker rooms, and all that was heard was my endless screaming, and the stomping of a fire.

"Dragon Sniper... Let me handle this..." Zephyr took the lead and lifted his boot up high, and began to stop the shit out of me with his monkey-stomping boots. I continued to scream my head off as the fire was completely gone.

"GOD DAMMIT. STOP. STOP. STOP! IT'S OUT. FUCKER. GET OFF ME. GOD DAMMIT! STOP!" I screamed in perfect tranquility of how much pain I was going through.

After about 10 minutes of monkey stomping on my ass, I got up and glared at Zephyr. Yea. I was pissed. I was REALLY pissed. Like. Super pissed like a woman. Like a fat woman. Like a fat woman denied her 25 cent ice cream delight. Or maybe a fat woman who had her frozen treat smashed into her FACE. Harem had no choice but to ask the single-minded most inappropriate question to ask at a time like this.

"Jay... Are you alright?" Harem had a question of concern on his face as I looked over at him with a very unsatisfied face, and instantly gave him BOTH fingers, walking out the other door. They all shruged and started thier way out after me, and caught up with me. "Hey! Jay! It's sort of a bad idea for us to go alone, right?" Harem responds to me.

"Honestly Harem. I feel safer nowhere near Zephyr. End of story. He is a hazard to my health as well as the undead." I shake my head and start to walking away as I turn to see Dragon Sniper looking innocent and somewhat... Sad. I felt bad, in a way... So I looked up and apologized to Zephyr. A smile went back onto her face, but that's alright, because I'm sure it's gonna go away after what Zephyr did...

"It's a kind of magic!" Zephyr grins and shoots off a gernade round blowing up our only other chance of exit... I looked at the exit. Then I looked at him. Then the exit. Then him... And my jaw just hung...

"ZEPHYR! WHAT THE FUCK? THAT'S THE ONLY OTHER WAY OUT BESIDE THE SEWE--..." Mid yell an idea sparked into my head. "TO THE SEWERS!" I'm a fuckin' genius. 


End file.
